Bernadette Petrie tells us it’s time to stop blaming ourselves, time to pay more attention to our verbal commentary and take a breath rather than attack.

I am such an idiot…” were the words a lovely, secure-sounding woman said at the end of an interview with a radio presenter. I was driving, listening to her telling her amusing story – which according to the presenter, had made her day. This woman, by sharing her story, had contributed joy to many. So when she signed off by saying: “I am such an idiot”, I wanted to reach into the radio and take her face in my hands and say: “Don’t ever say that; no, you are not!”

 At that exact moment, I remembered the countless times I had finished a story by criticising myself in the same way. It feels as if those words sum up the human conundrum. So I do not speak to myself like this anymore – it’s a major no-no, and I know it makes a massive difference. 

We think we are idiots – when we are not, we believe we are stupid – when we are not, we think we are rubbish  – when that is far from the truth. Think about how often you say a seemingly, harmless derogatory comment to yourself or in the company of others. And whilst we shrug our shoulders and say it’s only a saying, we don’t necessarily believe this. We are actually reinforcing our subconscious mind to believe the things we say – with the dangerous auto-response of ‘everything is our fault.’

The woman on the radio was sharing a funny story about how her child’s nursery teacher found a pair of her knickers in her son’s school bag. When the presenter asked how they came to be there, she genuinely had no idea. Laughing with the presenter, she attributed it to some freak laundry accident! At the end of her tale, she called herself an idiot – illustrating how often we find fault with ourselves and take the blame for things that we cannot explain. Who knows? Her child may have put them there, or someone else in the house, perhaps the cat or even the dog! Yet she calls herself the idiot.

How does this manifest in an unhealthy way? As humans, we think when things go wrong, someone is at fault, someone is an idiot – and we usually blame ourselves and shame ourselves repeatedly. Our subconscious mind is tuned into this, so when something bigger
does happen through no fault of our own, we still
blame ourselves.

When I was 14-years-old, walking home from school one day, a man exposed himself to me. Sure enough, in my mind, I felt I was to blame. For days, years even, I told myself I was an idiot. I am sure that when this incident occurred, my subconscious was so full of: “I am such an idiot” that my reaction was to freeze. No doubt, it was because, as children, we constantly witness grown-ups berate themselves for even the smallest of errors. This mental self-bullying shuts us down and prevents us from getting the support we need when we need it. Maybe we are convinced this is what people think of us, so we speak negatively to ourselves, hoping it will hurt less. But the truth is, no one can hurt us as we hurt ourselves. We bully ourselves; we undermine our beautiful hearts day in and day out with derogatory comments. But, as grown-ups, we must remember that children hear and are significantly influenced by what we say. It’s time to pay more attention to our verbal commentary and take a breath rather than attack. Our subconscious mind needs us to feed new words to it so that in times of real difficulty, it will help us, not paralyse us. I have long since healed my 14-year-old self, and her beautiful, warm heart is free to be once more. 

Think about the words you use to describe yourself, and instead of the usual suspects, next time you look in the mirror, try these; “I am amazing”, “I am funny”, “I am the queen/king in my parade”, “I am the one and only me”, “I am doing the best I can”, “I am a miracle of matter”, “I am blessed to be me”, “I am dancing to my tune”, “I am still here”, “I am showing up”, “I am stronger than you know”. 

And, if you are finishing a remarkable story, like the woman on the radio, before you end with a derogatory comment, please – stop, smile and breathe. And be happy that people are more than likely thinking: “You are a carrier of joy.”

You can buy Bernadette’s book and card deck online: www.bernadettepetrie.com
Also available from: NØRDEN 82 High St, North Berwick.